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Sadism: Ask any Holocaust survivor and they’ll tell you that when it came to outright sadism, the Nazis had nothing on the Communists. How else to explain the Trabant? The Nazis gave their plastic-haired automatons autobahns and silver-arrow racing cars; Commies gave their dirt-eating, borscht-stained rabble smoky runabouts made from Duroplast—a resin-and-cotton (and wool) composite, whose biggest customers were the barnyard goats who took to eating Trabant bodies after they failed to decompose. And even the livestock complained that Trabbis reminded them of Streit’s matzo. [Eddie Alterman,Nikon S4000 Plum, editor in chief, Car and Driver] Photograph courtesy of Wikipedia.

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Distractionfotainment: Once only available to the affluent, these fakakta infotainment systems are spreading to the masses. While your bubbe can now play videos from her SD card and receive live sports updates, she’s going to have to call you to figure out how to tune the radio. There’s nothing wrong with adding functionality, but it shouldn’t make adjusting the volume more difficult than traversing the Sinai. [Jake Fisher, senior road-test engineer,Nokia 5310 Xpress Music orange, Consumer Reports] Photograph courtesy of Consumer Reports.

Italian Irresistibility: In our Haggadah, it is written that Rabbi Aircleaner, Rabbi Tarmac, and Rabbi Handlebar ben Yamaha sat up all night tuning the carburetors on their leaky Lamborghini. When their students came in the morning for the rectifying of the alternators. Rabbi ben Yamaha said, “Here I am, a man of 70 years,Motorola Milestone XT720, yet I cannot understand the power this accursed machine has over us.” Ben Zina explained it: “It is said that you shall remember the day you left Italy all the days of your life, for a beautiful car is like a beautiful woman, and Adonai blesses the world with both so that you shall know the meaning of the term ‘high maintenance.’” [Aaron Robinson, technical editor, Car and Driver] Photograph courtesy of Automobili Lamborghini S.p.A.

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Rust: For failing to worship at the pedestal of the American full-size pickup,JVC GZ-HM320, up to 400,000 blasphemous Toyota Tundra owners have been struck by frame rust so severe,T-Mobile MyTouch 3G, it creates holes bigger than the perforations Jake Gyllenhaal left in Taylor Swift’s innocent heart. If the decomposition is severe enough, Toyota will replace the entire chassis—or even buy the truck back. But what to do with all those broken-down frames? Sources say they’re being recycled into Kate-and-William commemorative wedding coins. [Mike Levine,Canon EF 28-135MM F/3.5-5.6 IS USM Lens, editor, PickupTrucks.com] Photograph courtesy of PickupTrucks.com.

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Overcomplexity: You might think there's nothing at all wrong with a high-performance, 90-degree, Italian V-6 engine residing under the same aircraft-aluminum hood as a bewildering French hydropneumatic steering and self-leveling suspension system—but you’d be wrong. Think of the Citroën SM as dipping the bitter herbs into the bitter herbs. [Jonny Lieberman, senior editor,Nokia X6-00 32GB, Motor Trend] Photograph courtesy of Jonny Lieberman.

Brett Berk writes gaily about culture, politics,Samsung Fascinate, and cars for VF.com, and is the author of The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting. Visit him at www.brettberk.com or follow him on Twitter.

Sarah Ball Brett Berk Sasha Bronner Todd Eberle Bruce Feirstein David Friend SunHee Grinnell Bruce Handy Marnie Hanel Michael Hogan Jamie Johnson John Lopez Dee Dee Myers Matt Pressman Todd S. Purdum Hamish Robertson Henry Rollins Mike Ryan Rebecca Sacks Julian Sancton Nell Scovell Krista Smith Marc Spitz Eric Spitznagel Juli Weiner Jim Windolf

The Slaying of the Firstborn: Much has been written about (grotesque anti-Semite) Henry Ford’s merciless tormenting of his only son, Edsel, during his offspring’s tragically short life. But the ultimate familial humiliation was visited upon the scion a decade and a half after he died, when this line of baroque automotive shit-heaps was named for him—by his own son. While the Ford name continues its buoyant reign, Edsel is now synonymous with abject failure, proving what all good Jews already know: your father hates you, your children resent you, life is unfair,Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II Standard & Medium Telephoto Lens, and evil triumphs. [Brett Berk,Motorola Milestone, editor in chief, Stick Shift] Photograph courtesy of Wikipedia.

Invincibility: When is indestructibility a curse? When it visits your house in the form of a Mercedes-Benz 240D. This gutless, heavy,Canon Rebel T2I 18-55mm Lens, 71-hp fuel-crisis freak lacked the pop of later Mercedes diesels, but at least it was smelly, depressing, and impossible to kill off. Mark your door posts with lamp oil—which the Mercedes will run on, natch—and pray this smoke-belching fershtinkiner passes over. [Sam Smith, automotive correspondent, Esquire] Photograph courtesy of Mercedes-Benz.

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Parts Scarcity: In W.W. II, the Wehrmacht desperately needed a vehicle to handle the wintery battle on the Eastern Front,Samsung TL220, so they commissioned the Tatra V855. However, mass-production plans for this skid-pod were back-burnered after Hitler’s crushing defeat at the hands of the Hebrew God (with an assist from the Soviet Union) in Stalingrad. What resulted were two prototypes of a sled car,Nokia N8 orange, for which parts—other than the engine—were absolutely unobtainable. [Peter Dushenski, editor,Apple iPhone 8GB, Car Envy] Photograph courtesy of aerotatra.czweb.org.

Bad Code: Hammurabi’s code was harsh, Jewish codes were intrusive, but perhaps nothing was as confounding as the crapola computer code that got sent out as standard equipment in the early-2000s Mercedes E-Class,Nokia N79, which shipped from the factory complete with copious electronic glitches. Ultimately, the problem was resolved by omitting more than 600 electronic functions in subsequent generations of the car. That no one noticed was likely proof there had been far too many. [Jamie Kitman, New York bureau chief, Automobile] Photograph courtesy of Wikipedia.

Sneak Peek and Exclusive Image: HBO’s Game of Thrones is a Fantasy-Epic Dynasty—With Longer Swords Virginia Tech Survivor Colin Goddard on New HBO Documentary Gun Fight Dee Dee Myers: President Obama Cannot Afford to Get His Deficit Plan Wrong

Beige: After Pharaoh again refused to liberate the children of Israel, God ordered Moses to open a Toyota dealership in Egypt. And Moses did, closing down the local exotic-imports store to found Moses & Aaron Toyota, home of the “Chosen—For a Better Deal!” guarantee. And deal they did, selling a great many boring Toyota Camrys,Motorola Barrage, clogging the nation’s roadways, and creating massive gridlock as the Egyptians went from pyramid to home each day. Yet as Pharaoh looked out on the bumper-to-bumper sea of bland appliances on the Upper Nile Expressway, and saw his people’s expanding waistlines and dull,Kodak C142, cow-like eyes,Verizon Wireless, he still would not relent and let our people go. [Ray Wert, editor in chief, Jalopnik] Photograph courtesy of Jalopnik.

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